Madonna : What It Feels Like For A Girl

Do you know what it feels like for a girl? Firstly, it's no picnic (except on the days when there are picnics, when it is.) The hours are terrible. Being a girl is a 24-hour job, with most girls barely managing to snatch eight hours of that time for sleep (often interrupted by dreams of boys and ponies). Most people don't realise that girls have a mane of hair (or 'hair') which must be rigorously groomed and adorned with ribbons and elastic things.

But it's not all work, work, work. All girls, when they are new, must attend a school of learning where they are instructed in the ways of cooking, sewing, and the three-fields system. It is at school that a girl learns just how fat she is in comparison to Beverly Crabb, although Beverly is a 'slag' wot done it wiv Toby Woodhams which is true cos Hayley said. And she stuffs her bra.

Famous girls include: Jan Leeming, Mrs Popov from Rentaghost, and, you've guessed it, Madonna, who has generously recorded this single for the benefit of anyone still curious as to what it really feels like for a girl. Thanks, your Madge-esty!!

Timothy Mark